Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Binge Eating Disorder (BED)

Fucking bulimia.
Binge eating disorder is real.

I have struggled with bulimia since the age of 19, so... about 20 years now. It wasn't a solid 20 years. There were periods of abstinance from the abuse, but overall the disorder has dogged me during that time. The last few months have been good. I don't now the exact date, but it has been a while since I vomited last.

After so many years, you have no idea how good that feels.

The disorder itself is conniving and persistent. It will never let me go, it will never go away. I can never forget that I have it. Last night I ate about ten cookies all at once, which for me constitutes a binge. For another individual, he or she might not bat an eyelash when eating ten cookies - for me, I definitely bat an eyelash.

It didn't feel good. It felt out of control, and it occured to me to throw up, but I would not. As far as binges go that was not a very big one, but I don't like that it still happens at all.

What I did like was that I was able to stay calm, able to stop and not feel crappy about myself or berate myself. I went to bed instead, feeling glad that I would not be under-slept and dizzy the next day from purging. Also, I was able to consider what lead up to that point, consider what my triggers had been. My triggers are as consistent as my behaviors, which is excellent for understanding how better to avoid binging next time.

Binge eating disorder is real, and probably affects more people than any of us are aware of. I am one of those people.

This disorder may never go away, but neither will my ability and resolution to fight.

2 comments:

  1. Bulimia likes to eat and spit shit up. What does it possibly have to gain by destroying copious amounts of junk food? I do know though that it doesn't stand a chance in the face of modern medications. It's lying to you, shut it the ef up with meds. Was this your fightigting plan?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "What does it possibly have to gain by destroying copious amounts of junk food?" I have asked myself this question for years. It is just another compulsive behavior, an effort to stop from feeling something or try to cover something up.

      Your comment about the meds is an excellent one - I should have expected as much ;) That said, I am feeling better now than in a while - I am not going to take them yet. I need to see how this goes first. That might seem dumb but that's what I choose to do.

      Delete