Friday, June 26, 2015


I'm searching for meaning.
Will I find it written somewhere in the sky?

I'm searching for meaning.
Will I find it under this rock?

I'm searching for meaning.
Can I find it by searching my soul?

Is meaning in another person? In my kids? In myself? Is it all around?

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Validate my run

The boy shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He had heard this question before; knew what the reaction would be even before he gave his answer. He gave it anyway, then waited for the inevitable expression that would follow.

"It's not that I have to upload every run I do to Strava," he said, "It's just that I want to."

His therapist looked skeptical. Yup, that was the expression.

"And what do you think would happen," his therapist paused gently, as if the idea he was about to impart was so shocking, so anxiety-inducing that it must be brought forward as discreetly as possible, as one might first introduce a baby sea lion to the peacefully lapping shores of a quiet cove rather than exposing it directly to the screaming winds and waves of a torrid sea, "if you didn't upload it to Strava? Would it be as if the run didn't happen?"

Binge Eating Disorder (BED)

Fucking bulimia.
Binge eating disorder is real.

I have struggled with bulimia since the age of 19, so... about 20 years now. It wasn't a solid 20 years. There were periods of abstinance from the abuse, but overall the disorder has dogged me during that time. The last few months have been good. I don't now the exact date, but it has been a while since I vomited last.

After so many years, you have no idea how good that feels.

The disorder itself is conniving and persistent. It will never let me go, it will never go away. I can never forget that I have it. Last night I ate about ten cookies all at once, which for me constitutes a binge. For another individual, he or she might not bat an eyelash when eating ten cookies - for me, I definitely bat an eyelash.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Look to the right and to the left of you

October 1995, Naples, Florida.

"Look to the right of you," the therapist said. "Now, look to the left. Now look at the person across from you."

We stood in our circle, looking to the right, then to the left, then across. Careful glances and self-conscious smiles were exchanged as we waited for the therapist's big reveal. What the hell was she talking about?

"Of the people you see directly around you," the therapist went on, "the majority of you will relapse, about 75-85%." Our smiles faded as we took in this news.

"Only about one in four or five of you will continue clean eating for more than a year. Some of you will not even make it to that." Somberly now, we again considered the people around us.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Beer tails

Driving in the car, on the radio a song is playing where the singer croons about being drunk.

Sevilla: Drunk? Not cool.
Me: Definitely not cool.
Caden: What's drunk?
Me: It's when people have too much alcohol and it makes them feel dizzy, and act funny.
Caden: What's alcohol?
Me: Alcohol is something that is in some drinks. Drinks like beer, wine, and some other drinks. Not all drinks, but there are some adult drinks that have alcohol, and when people drink too much they start feeling really funny and silly.
Caden: I feel like that all the time.
Me: This is different, this is from having too much alcohol. And you feel dizzy and not good.
Caden: I've had beer before. I had it with Dad.
Me: Did you have ginger beer? Or root beer? Because those are ok. They are not the same as regular beer. Ginger beer or root beer don't have alcohol in them.
Caden: No, I've had beer before. I had one this big (he indicates the size of a whole bottle).
Me: It had to be root beer buddy, it had to be.
Caden: No! It was real beer!
Me: Where did you have it?
Caden: At school!
Me: Who gave it to you?
Caden: The teachers!
Me: (laughing) Buddy, that's couldn't have happened, they wouldn't give that to you. It's not for kids. You have to be 21 to drink alcohol.
Caden: Well I did! (pause) And I saw a dog drink alcohol once.
Me: (laughing) Caden!
Caden: I did! But it's ok, he was 22.

Friday, June 5, 2015

But something

I know you have bad reception, just sending you a few more updates now that you don't have to respond to, but I just need to say to someone, she texted. Not because they are important, just because I have to get them out.

My favorite supervisor left work today. The girl that sits next to me was fired. It was sad and we didn't even say goodbye. 

Maggie is sick, she has a fever. Probably fine but who knows. Oliver is non-responsive. Not because he is sick, just because that's how he is. He is watching a show. 

I paid the babysitter $144 to watch the kids all day and they don't even like her and I don't either but I can't find anybody else. Summer camp starts on Monday. The babysitter the kids do like might be gone all summer, but didn't want to tell me. I can't find anybody else. I will keep looking. 

The kids' dad is sick. He is getting surgery on his ankle. He's not really sick, but he's not well. He came over last night to see the kids. It was weird and sad but good to see him and have him here. The kids were sad when he left. Fine, but sad. I just said sad a lot in those last few sentences.

This is a really long text. 

I am fine, but something. I don't know what the something is. I am really fine. But something. 

I love you so much and look forward to seeing you when you get back xxxxxxxx

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Bigfoot is just a lonely bear

Caden: "Maybe Bigfoot is really just a lonely bear."

I loved this but wanted an explanation. "You think so? What makes you say that?"

He shrugged. "Maybe he's just a bear who decided to stand on two legs and walk around."

We had not been talking about Bigfoot on that occasion. These are apparently just the types of things he thinks about.

This was not the first time Caden had offered a different view on a character I would not have classified as sympathetic. The first time he did this was regarding Krampus, a horned, beast-like figure from European folklore said to creep into the homes of naughty children at Christmas to carry them away from their families forever.