Thursday, March 26, 2015

The eyebrow revolt

It was nighttime in the apartment
And all was quiet and still
But unbeknownst to me as I lay sleeping
My eyebrows plotted against me in the dark.

The plan was a daring one. At 3AM, they would revolt.
Patches (the left brow) would make a break for my hairline
While Squiggles (the guy on the right) would head south
Past the yawning cavern of my mouth
In an attempt to summit my chin by sunrise.

Their list of grievances: too long to ponder.
Their goal: to flee and disperse.

The scheme had moxie, but was ultimately ill-fated.
The team had counted on the darkness to provide cover for their tactics
But what they hadn't counted on
Was my bathroom break at 4:07AM.

It was over in the second it took me to switch on the lights.
They froze in position, Patches front and center
In a bunched-up, terrified uni-brow
Squiggles clenched trembling under my nose

I looked like mein F├╝hrer.

At the sight of my reflection, my scream cut through the night air.
Stunned by the noise and the lights,
The brows streaked back into position, narrowly dodging
The tweezers that already snipped madly between my fingers.

Incensed by their rebellion and disloyalty
I even dug for a Quattro Pro in lavender
With which to threaten them further.

Fortunately by this time, cooler heads prevailed
And we were able to hash out a solution.
As their owner, I would start treating them
With the respect they deserved
And move beyond the cycles of over-tweezing and neglect

As my eyebrows, they vowed to stay in shape
And not get so twitchy every time I had a conversation at work
With the HR manager.
We celebrated our agreement with a walk on the beach.

As I lay down to sleep that night
It was with a peaceful heart and calm spirit
As I knew my eyebrows were content and complete.

but

I had forgotten about my toenails...

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